Because sports should never run your life ... retorts for sports

Australian Open Update: 1/19/19 (Round of 16) (click for Kimmel’s flavorful roast)

Amanda was absolutely petrified …

Australian Open Update:

— Close encounter with Pliskova is not kind to Camila
— Now a step slow and with some somewhat glaring holes in her groundies, Venus is eclipsed by Halep
— Garbine takes it upon herself to clean Timea’s clock
— Folks in the US are plenty proud of Frances’ accomplishments thus far; the guy with the straight-armed, open stance forehand hammers Dimitrov into submission in four
— Berdych and his bizarre ink blot outfit are sent to the cleaners in routine fashion by Rafa
— In an abrupt about face, adorable Amanda loses her Type A personality and looks positively petrified against Petra
— Barty’s superior all court abilities rule the day in showdown with baseline bound Sharapova
— Treeing from the get go, Collins drills mercilessly into Angelique’s tired backboard technique.

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