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Category Archives: Tennis

Australian Open Update: 1/24/19 (Men’s Semifinals) (click to hear why no man can eat 50 eggs)

Tsistipas and Sisyphus had lots in common today.
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Australian Open Update:

— Rafa tears Stefanos to absolute shreds, as an appetizer to would appear to be a very entertaining banquet of grunts, slides, twists and turns in the inevitable final confrontation with Djoker. Enough with the foreplay … let’s bring on the main event. As for Tsistipas, today’s experience looked very Sisyphusian.

Australian Open Update: 1/23/19 (Women’s Semis) (click to hear more about TB-12)

DanYELL! gets mad (to no avail) and Naomi finally looks a little worried
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Australian Open Update:

— In the first match, the win goes to the big lefty, who kept her cool and swarmed the net, while her opponent the grump spent too much time jawing with the ump
— Osaka socks her way through to the final, mixing a boatload of screeching winners with plenty of mishits,unforced errors and protracted period of what appeared to be inattention. Superior talent got her through today, but she’ll need to move more efficiently and do more with her second serve if she hopes to bring home another major title.

Australian Open Update: 1/21/19 (Round of 16) (click to hear the Shep Proudfoot-administered beating that takes a backseat to today’s massacre by the Danimal)

Dan-YELL! treats viewers to a highly entertaining version of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom in devouring a mildly protesting opponent who ventured a little too close to the water hole.
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Australian Open Update:

–Dan-YELL! Collins engineers a stunning reversal of fortune, as she has her way in 3 with Pavlyuchenkova. This relative newcomer is beyond competitive, bordering on psychotically intense, and she rolled over her more experienced adversary with a blizzard of blistering backhands, fearsome forehands, rocket serves and a ridiculous intimidation factor that she flaunts with furrowed brow and angry footsteps heard throughout the arena. If and when she faces Serena, this will be quite a spectacle to behold. The tennis is spectacular in its naked aggression, but it is not recommended for those with ulcers or mild constitutions (have some Rolaids within reach). And the only thing shorter than her temper appears to be her skirt. Just a wild guess that her sign is Leo.

— Karolina wiped the court of any trace of Garbine, who went away faster than you can say blueberry pancakes … sight unseen
— The Mother of all tennis players, little sis Williams thunders to another high volume victory, but not without being pushed by supposed big dog … the rather pint-sized Simona Halep. For those looking for a bit of competitive drama in the final rounds of this tournament, hopefully the remaining contenders were going to school on this match; what seems apparent is that Serena is definitely not moving as well as during her last title run, and her court coverage could well be an Achilles heel (so long as a way is found to somehow withstand the brute power of her serve and the baseline assortment of bangers and bash).

— So what else is new? In the case of Novak, absolutely nothing, as he wears another superbly conditioned athlete down to the proverbial nub with a grueling, if not gaudy, display of superhuman conditioning
— A very saucy Tsitsi gets past batttler Bautista in a 4 setter that certainly had loads of flavor.
— Kei shows true Far Eastern grit by busting his butt in a real tight squeeze with Carreno Busta.
— Still flying under the radar, Pouille doesn’t duck the challenge in killing off Borna

Australian Open Update: 1/20/19 (Round of 16) (click for Tony Soprano’s friendly advice to Richie Aprille)

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Australian Open Update:

— An emaciated No. 4 Zverev gives away 2/3rd of his match to Raonic with shocking little resistance; it was so bad that Rodney Dangerfield was seen slipping him $20 at the changeover and was overheard telling him to “gain some weight”. Perhaps this advice, along with residual beneficial effects from a shocking display of rage directed at his innocent tennis weapon (smashing it into smithereens — and well beyond recognition) — seemed to help matters a bit in set No. 3, as things went to a tie breaker. But in the end, Milos had the only big boy game, owning the German with his huge serve and punishing Alex for many irresponsible shots that were floated like delicious cupcakes into the middle of the court. Coach Lendl looked like he was in serious discomfort, and well he should be.
— Fed was rolling merrily along, only slightly inconvenienced by having to win a first set breaker, and then Tsitsipas said “not so fast”; the fluid Greek has all the shots, moves beautifully on the court and is brimming with confidence. And how many more losses like this can Roger take, before he decides to hang his tennis shoes up and fade away into the sunset?
— Keys still looks like a light weight, offering only sporadic resistance to Svitolina on Margaret Court Arena
— Osaka gives Sevastova a siesta, flippantly flipping the switch in sets 2 and 3.

Australian Open Update: 1/19/19 (Round of 16) (click for Kimmel’s flavorful roast)

Amanda was absolutely petrified …
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Australian Open Update:

— Close encounter with Pliskova is not kind to Camila
— Now a step slow and with some somewhat glaring holes in her groundies, Venus is eclipsed by Halep
— Garbine takes it upon herself to clean Timea’s clock
— Folks in the US are plenty proud of Frances’ accomplishments thus far; the guy with the straight-armed, open stance forehand hammers Dimitrov into submission in four
— Berdych and his bizarre ink blot outfit are sent to the cleaners in routine fashion by Rafa
— In an abrupt about face, adorable Amanda loses her Type A personality and looks positively petrified against Petra
— Barty’s superior all court abilities rule the day in showdown with baseline bound Sharapova
— Treeing from the get go, Collins drills mercilessly into Angelique’s tired backboard technique.

Australian Open Update: 1/18/19 (Men’s Singles) (click for an Odd Couple intro)

You had better be fit to throw this kind of conniption fit…
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Australian Open Update:

— Nish gets his wish … a relatively breezy, easy straight set win over Sousa
— Fognini founders in four
— Shapovalov shows uncommon valor in rising from the dead in the third and throwing Novak into a virtual conniption fit; unfortunately, what followed was a public execution of the courageous Canadian
— Send in the medics to revive Goffin, after he gets manhandled by Medvedev
— Bautista catches, as surpasses, Khachanov
— De Minaur provides minimal resistance to classically nasty Nadal

Australian Open Update: 1/18/19 (Women’s Singles) (and check out the hilarious workout clip from “This is 40”)

Sloane strong arms her way past a spellbound, spindly Martic
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Australian Open Update:

— Stephens finds her A game often enough to effectuate a cathartic win over Martic
— Kvitova bounces Belinda Bencic
— Kerber buries Birrell
— Osaka recovers after temporarily losing her way against Wei Hsieh
— Sevastova quites Qiang Wang
— Serena beats the living daylights out of Dayana
— Keys puts a real hurting on Elise Mertens

Australian Open Update: 1/17/19 (Women’s Singles) (and click post to hear something about Mary and those goofy bastards)

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Australian Open Update:

— Sabalenka doesn’t go down quietly (unfortunately for those within earshot), as she gets ruthlessly dismembered by teen angel executioner Anismova
— Osaka was noticeably off her game, but had more than enough ammo to off Zidansek
— Halep survives the 3-set plan of comrade Kenin
— Little known slugger Yastremska bashes her way to a surprise win over No. 23 Navarro
— Not even a genie out of the bottle could’ve saved Eugenie, who gets roundly throttled by Serena
— Anastasia annihilates Aliaksandra
— Defending Champ is dumbfounded as Sharapova finds the steely resolve she’s been searching for, and it’s Caroline who clutches up when it counts; the moral to this story is good defense is usually not enough … you usually have to hit some winners to be a winner

Australian Open Update: 1/17/19 (Men’s Singles) (click for audio — “Ted Intro”)

Just wasn’t in the cards for Taro…
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Australian Open Update:

— It just wasn’t in the cards for Taro against menacing Denis
— Ryan doubles down against ii Daniil
— Jo-Wilfried goes bye bye without as much as a whimper to No. 1 Novak
— Slim sweeper Zverev looks plenty hardy in surviving a grueling 5-setter with Chardy
— Taylor’s game predictably goes on the fritz in yawner of a loss to Fed
— The Berdych strut is in full bloom as the towering Czech dunks on little Diego
— Alex from Australia ousts Gilles from Gaul
— Stefano still standing after knocking off Nikoloz
— Thomas’ train gets derailed by Dimitrov
— Tiafoe appears to be tiring against Mr. Consistency, Seppi.

Australian Open Update: 1/16/19 (Men’s Singles) (click for audio)

When it comes to serving and overheads, Milos has the feel good formula…
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Australian Open Men’s Singles Update:

— Another fine Italian job with Fabbiano fabricating a tough five-set win over Opeiker
— Grigor grinds out a gritty win over Cuevas
–Ebden was anything but ebullient after getting ravaged by Nadal
— Laaksonen comes all the way before taking a deadly detour against De Minnaur
— Wawrinka blinks at 5-2 in the decisive set, giving a sometimes sluggish Raonic the opening he needed to squeeze through.
— Ivo carpet bombs Kei with 60 daisy cutters before succumbing in the 5th set super breaker
— Chung hung out to dry when a Hugues Herbert’s serve hugs a millimeter of the service line on match point.

Australian Open Update: 1/15/19 (Women’s Singles) (and click post to hear Drew in “Office Space” discussing the “Oh” face)

ChabDog’s definitely jumping on the AA bandwagon …
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Australian Open Update:

— There’s a significant difference between Carla and Clara, Kuzmova and Kozlova, as well as Pliskova and Blinkova
— Another stuck-in-the-mud performance down under for Stosur
— Simona says “I not ready to get upset”
— Magda gets bagged by Osaka
— Caroline Garcia avoids a nasty case of Hives
— Pavly drop kicks favored Kiki Bertens
— Sloane Stephens beats up Babos
— Time to Wang Chung in the Rod Laver — its a Barty victory party
— Amanda Anisimova displays some positive animosity in sinking Tsurenko

Australian Open Update: 1/15/19 (Men’s Singles) (and click post to hear a real genius)

Benoit “Blond Ambition” Paire
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Australian Open Update:

— Attention deficit poster boy Paire can’t overcome a 2-set deficit to Dominic
— No Greek tragedy as Tsitsipas hits all the right passes against Troicki
— After four too-close-for-comfort sets, short Schwartzman decides to stop cuddling with Kudla
— Jo-Wilfried finally finds a way to slow up Martin
— M. Zverev just didn’t have the pop in his groundies to stop Popyrin
— A wounded Ernests has to give it a rest against Wawrinka

— Sakharov found himself dominated right from the starterer against Marterer
— It wasn’t Friday the 13th, so no reason for Djoker to be scared by Krueger
— Loss to Milos will almost certainly make Nick sick
— Nice work by No. 19 Nikoloz
— Andreas sails by Jordan in 3 easy pieces
— Haase says no mas after being totally controlled by Tomas
— Another tennis clinic put on by Cilic
— Tiafoe, tennis’ version of little LeBron, proves to be a giant killer by KO’ing KA.
— Verdict for Verdasco, who leaves little doubt with a rout of Albot.
— For an extended period, unheralded Evans was ever so competitive with Fed.

Australian Open Update: 1/14/19 (Women’s Singles) (and click post to hear Henry Gibson’s last 30 seconds in the Blues Brothers)

Serena could hardly have looked meaner
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Aussie Open Update:

— Serena enjoys being the Meanest Machine we’ve seen since The Longest Yard in swatting away Tatjana

— Larsson makes Lapko her lap dog

— Begu disposes of petulant Petkovic

— Rosy outlook for Wozny? Time will tell, but the smart money doesn’t like the smell.

— Kvitova looks pretty fit in unloading her magazine on Magdalena

— If only Parmentier could’ve done a better job covering the perimeter against Potapova

— Peng wishes she was playing table tennes against hard hitting Bouchard

— More Madison Keyes, please

Australian Open Update: 1/14/19 (Men’s Singles) (and click post to hear Tony drop the hammer on Richie)

Unfortunately for Bernard, win and Tomic weren’t served together
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Aussie Open Update:

— All burned up after getting mastered by Marin, Bernie lets loose on little lord Lleyton
— Munar landing is a rough one for Jaumie, who is forced to accept a rather unpleasant retirement package from Fognini
— For Ivo, its off to the races with aces against humble Hubert
— A million kisses down under for Millman
— Fans are treated to a rousing showing of the picture Viktor Victorious
— Mirza lacked the basic skills to grasp Henri’s on-court artistry
— Big Mac attack leads to Rublev removal
— 1573 turned into a wonderful garden of Ebden
— Stylish Feliciano released on his own recognizance
— Successful 1st round ride for Italian stallion Seppi
— Mon dieu its another breezy win for Monfils
— No more tennis for Tennys
— Murray trips due to a bum hip
— Minimal exertion for Federer against Istomin
— Taylor stitches together a neat win over Norrie
— Bolt undresses Sock
— Colorful fireworks for American Ryan Harrison
— Goffin gives his opponent a Christian burial
— Zverev not about to be taken in by Aljaz
— Kamil is history again Nishikori
— Query what exactly happened today to sad Sam Querrey?

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