Week 6: Abe’s Shitty NFL Picks (AST)

Hey everyone and welcome to another episode of me making shitty picks based on flawed science, numbies based solely on Taylor Swift’s game attendance, and drunken logic since my current record is:

Week 1: 6 Week 2: 8 Week 3: 6 Week 4: 8 Week 5: 6

Also, need to honorably mention that fading me statistically gives you a way better chance of making any money from my NFL picks, hence, Abe’s Shitty NFL Picks.  So let’s try this again with the goal of trying to pick more right games than wrong ones in Week 6!

KC SWIFTS (CHIEFS) -10.5: Made my Thursday Night Football Pick via X.com before the game.  See the reply in the tweet below:

RAVENS -4: Again we find ourselves in London, England for another great match on the pitch.  I need you to know that I am 1-1 in predicting London games with last week’s Jags win over the Bills sucking for a lot of folks mate. However, this week the Jags are no longer in town as we see team Ravens-claw and the Titans-puffs go at it in a good old-fashioned quidditch match instead.  Two teams that are kicked in the nutz by jet lag and partying at the pubs all night.  Offensively and defensively the Ravewns have the higher ground and why they are favored in this game.  However, I am concerned about their loss to the Steelers last week and am willing to call it a fluke considering they easily penetrated through the Browns’ defense the week prior.  The Titans, are not the Browns, so I am expecting the Ravens to bounce back and kill the Titans by more than 4 points.

COMMIES (COMMANDERS) +2.5: Going with the underdog Commanders in this game simply because they have a better offense and have played against much better teams than the Falcons.  Sure, they lost to the Eagles and the Bills, but keep in mind they sent that more recent Eagles game into OT 34-31.  However, they’ve also lost to the Bears (a garbage team) and the Bills by 20 or more points.  However, the Falcons are getting their Wins by beating Houston, Greenbay, and the Panthers.  Three teams that are not that amazing.  So taking all things into consideration, offense, defense, and past games, I expect this game to be close or flat-out beat the Falcons at home.

VIKINGS -2.5:  Yes, we all know the Bears actually did something good and beat the Commanders by 20 points.  Yes, we also know the Bears are garrrrrrrrrrbaggggggge and have been a complete catastrophe before that.  I can also say that the Vikings have not been amazing this year, but do come into this game with better offense and defense.  Therefore, I find myself in a similar situation as I did with the Panthers in Week 4 where I also picked the Vikings and won using the exact same philosophy. Why change something that works, I’m all in with the Vikings.

BENGALS -2.5:  The Seahawks are coming off a bye-week and are probably feeling pretty energized after winning their last three games.  However, Joe Burrow is feeling much better from his injured calf and showed a little dominance against the Cardinals.  Offensively, the Bengals have all the right stuff to beat out the Seahawks at home with a mobile Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase connecting being major factors in making this pick.

49ERS -7: The Browns have really been hit-and-miss this season, and are coming off a bye-week.    However, let us keep in mind that Deshaun Watson (QB) will not be playing in this game, and this simply sounds like a recipe for disaster for Cleveland. The 49ERS are RED HOT, and this game is simply SCREAMING 49ERS.

TEXANS +1.5: Derek Carr killed the Patriots last week so it may look easy to go with him this week as well.  However, we all need to accept here that the Houston Texans are not the Patriots, they’re much better than them. HAHAHAHA…gawd has that team fallen into the abysmial pit since Tom Brady left. So need to factor that Houston is at home and has greater offensive numbies than the Saints. Maybe why this game’s spread is so small and validates my logic here.

JAGUARS -4:  The Colts once again find themselves with Gardner Minshew who is seeking revenge on his former team. However, he’s coming up against a team that just beat the Buffalo Bills and who also has better offensive and defensive numbies than the Colts.  Uphill battle for the Colts going into this one in Jacksonville.

DOLPHINS -13.5: Incredible to see such a huge spread, but then again it’s the Miami Dolphins against the absolute worst team in the league and in Miami chico. Been a while since Miami could command such a spread.  The only thing I hate about this game is that RB De’von Achane is out on the IR till about Week 11.  Now, had this been another team, I might have really considered a hard pass on this 13.5-point spread, but c’mon it’s Carolina.  A Miami field day with this team is still in the realm of possibilities with the ability for the Panthers to lose by more than 20 points still on the table.

LIONS -3: The 4-1 Detroit Lions have done well this season and come into this Tampa game with WR Mike Evans with a high probability of not playing or being limited in this one for the Bucs.  A huge factor to consider in this game.  Sorry but the BUC stops here….LIONS.

RAIDERS -3:  Wow, do the Patriots suck.  Wow, do the Raiders suck. Raiders hopefully get Devante Adams (WR) in this one considering he’s still questionable. Not much to boast here aside from the Raiders being at home, and the Raiders finally seeing a W in Week 5, unlike the Patriots who haven’t seen one since September 24 against a Zach Wilson New York Jets team.  Again, not much going on here except for two really bad teams playing near a Tacos El Gordo (the best part of this whole matchup).

RAMS -7:  The Cardinals have lost their last two games by 14 or more points as their defense continues to crumble.  The Rams on the other hand have the clear offensive advantage in this game at home, and should be able to penetrate the Cardinals’ defense by more than 7 points with Stafford (QB), Williams (RB) and Nacua (WR).

EAGLES -7: The undefeated Eagles take on the 2-3 New York Jets with no advantage here aside from being at home among many Eagles fans. However, the Jets have done well to keep it close against KC and beat the Buffalo Bills. However, the Birds were able to beat the Rams last week in LA by 9 points so 7 doesn’t seem impossible in New Jersey.  Especially since Zach Wilson already has 5 interceptions this season and it would only take one more to get an easy extra 7 points on the board.

BILLS -14: The Giants have been a flaming dumpster fire all season and the Bills have been killing every team so far except for the Jags last week.  Are the Bills coming here to feel good, try to crush this team, and show dominance once again???  I think so after that devastating loss against the Jags. Again, let’s not forget the Bills crushed the Dolphins by 28 points the week before and we all know the Giants are not the Miami Dolphins.

Chargers +2.5: The Chargers are coming off a bye-week in LA to play a Cowboys team that may be missing their RB Tony Pollard. No bueno for the Cowboys as that may impact their offense if he’s limited or not playing.  The great news here, is that the Chargers are underdogs so anything close or a W is a cash out for us. Again, it’s a bye-week, they are at home, and Dallas may be out an RB making this an easy underdog pick.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Every week I seem to find a theme with my picks.  Some weeks I lay heavily into the favorites.  This week it seems I took all the big spreads and told Vegas to cash me out on every single one of them.  To be clear, I don’t tell myself I am going to pick them all, but as I look at every game under the shitty microscope I tend to find enough fault in the other teams to justify taking the bigger point spreads. Lastly, check out my picks in greater detail on the show, along with our other co-host for an hour of fun before kickoff every Sunday this season.  Let me know in the comments what you think about Week 6 here, or on whatever social media platform this is posted @

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