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Hey everyone and welcome to NFL Week 16 where I try to beat the spread every week, make a little money, or brag to our work besties that we simply pick winners cause our state doesn’t allow sports betting yet (fuck you California). So take a look below…let me know in the comments section if I fucked this up or on any of my social media handles (note my Week 15 picks were 87.5% on the money). Let’s fucking gooooooooo.
| | @gawdbrudder
I went 9-7 last week and clawed to within 15 games of .500 at 104-119-1 with three weeks to play. That ground is not impossible to make up, but it is going to take foresight, discipline, and some hefty road favorites covering this week. Just look at that Detroit line at Chicago. It’s over a touchdown even though the Lions were shredded on defense last week and nearly allowed a miracle comeback by Caleb Williams on Thanksgiving. So why are we backing Detroit? Because this season, laying the big number with Detroit has paid off. The Lions are 3-1 against the spread when being favored by seven or more, and I expect them to pound the struggling Bears.
I am also taking the Rams, Eagles, Vikings, and Buccaneers as road favorites. They probably won’t all work out, but maybe they will go 3-1 since all four are surging right now while playing inferior competition. I actually like the Giants pick this week since they were able to move the ball a little against Baltimore and Michael Penix Jr. is making his first start for Atlanta. Maybe a rookie mistake or two will help the Giants intercept the ball for the third time this season.
I might not even watch the NFL on Saturday because of the College Football Playoff and a decent college hoops slate, but I expect Kansas City and Pittsburgh to come through for me. The Chiefs have transformed into favorites with the news that Patrick Mahomes is practicing fully this week, so getting two and a half points makes this one the easiest pick on the board. For the Steelers, they failed me as underdogs in Philadelphia, but I’m rolling with them again since they own Lamar Jackson.
Back to Sunday, I am becoming the Carolina whisperer as I smartly jumped off the bandwagon last week when Sir Purr and company became favorites against Dallas. However, now the Cats are back to being dogs and facing a floundering Cardinals team at home. Sign me back up!
Bad news for the haters: None of my fantasy teams made the playoffs, so I have more attention to devote to picks! We are running out of time to make a comeback, but at least I don’t have to worry about how much FAAB money to drop on the waiver wire every week. What I do need to worry about is whether or not the 49ers are back. They burned my strategy of continuing to fade them with their destruction of the Bears, but I think they come back to Earth in a tough divisional game. I am going to Ram It for the first time in a while.
In the next three games, I have big home dogs. The Chiefs never cover, so Cleveland is an easy pick. Cincinnati’s cover in the Simpsons game was a total fluke and Lisa Simpson won’t bail them out this time. Tennessee was terrible against Jacksonville, but I’m sure Will Levis will bounce back now that I’m not relying on him to save my fantasy team. New Orleans is getting way too many points against a Washington team that hasn’t impressed lately.
That brings us to the return of Tommy DeVito to MetLife Stadium. I am actually happy to see him again because Drew Lock was beyond miserable last week, but that doesn’t mean the Giants have a snowball’s chance to beat Baltimore. I think the Ravens win by at least 20 as Derrick Henry attempts a single game rushing record.
The Giants will not be fun to watch, but Dallas at Carolina should be a pretty interesting game considering how bad the record are. The Panthers have been money against the spread as a dog, but I’m not feeling them as a favorite. I think the Cowboys win outright. The Jets are another team I don’t feel great about as a favorite, but I feel better about them than the Jaguars. Plus, Aaron Rodgers is coming off one of his best games a Jet.
Dolphins vs. Texans is close to a toss-up, but I’ll take Houston because of how consistently it runs the ball with Joe Mixon. I feel a lot better about Denver as a home favorite because of how well it has played lately with three straight wins by more than a touchdown. The Lions are still an auto pick because they never lose, and the Steelers get the nod in the underdog spot as usual.
I have to fade the Cardinals, as they have hit the skids with three straight losses. Meanwhile, Tampa Bay has won three straight, but the Chargers are a big step up in competition and should handle the Buccaneers at home. I am going to feel like a fool if I lose against the Seahawks again, but the Packers are playing too well, so we’ll try fading Seattle one more time.
Both home teams look good in the Monday night slate. Sam Darnold has played some of the best football of his career lately for Minnesota, and the Falcons have not played well enough lately for me to trust them against my plucky Raiders.
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Brandon’s Posts
On Thanksgiving Week MNF, the Ravens were vultures, not turkeys….
Ravens wear down the Chargers with a second half push, including some impressive fourth down fist pumping; going for it from inside his own 20 was one of the best decisions big brother ever made, and little bro should definitely go to school on that… once he has the running backs to make it happen. If the Ravens play mistake free football, with a minimum of penalties and zero turnovers, they can beat the vast number of teams in this league, anytime and anywhere.
Diary of a Mad Man — What we learned from Week 11:
What we learned today —
— Bears can do amazing things when properly motivated, and they are always interested in ripping my heart out with a few last second garbage scores or defensive meltdowns
— The Commanders aren’t ready to command my attention for anything.
— The Eagles have the enough firepower to beat anyone… including the Lions
— Giants are just what the doctor ordered… for nearly everyone.
— The Chiefs continue their ripoff tour…. another cheesy road win in Scarolina… and I got sucked into thinking they’d cover, once more
— Thank you god for not letting the Raiders put that last, utterly meaningless TD on the board and getting rid of the Ridder threat
— I promise never to pick the Patriots again for … anything
— I told you CJ Stroud ain’t all that, but I forgot to listen to myself
— The Niners are done, even if nobody wants to admit it.
Well Read’s Posts
Abe’s Posts
Week 9: Abe’s Scrumdidilyumptious NFL Picks (ATS)
HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON…LFGOOOOO NFL WEEK 9! As always, have to celly double-digit Ws last week going 10/16 (63%) which is always great when the goal is to have a SZN record greater than .500! Before considering my Week 9 Scrumdidilyumptious ATS Picks, here is my season resume for your review.
Resume:
WEEK 1: 10/16 (62.5%) WEEK 2: 8/15 + 1 Push (53.3%) WEEK 3: 8/16 (50%) WEEK 4: 9/16 (56%) WEEK 5: 7/14 (50%) WEEK 6: 10/14 (71%) WEEK 7: 9/15 (60%) WEEK 8: 10/16 (63%) SEASON RECORD (ATS): 71/122 + 1 Push (58%)
OK, now that we’re all caught up and you’re still willing to read my scummy bag picks, lets fucking go NFL Week 9 (thank you for acknowledging you still have a better shot with my picks below than LITERALLY flipping a quarter)!
THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL:
I looked at the spread & decided to take “the chalk” (Texans -.5). CLEARLY this was a bad pick because WTF Texans! To be fair, I don’t think anyone realistically had the Jets beating the Texans by more than a touchdown on their BINGO card, but here we are.
| | @gawdbrudder
Week 8: Abe’s Scrumdidilyumptious NFL Picks (ATS)
Welcome back everyone to NFL WEEK 8! I would love to celebrate 11 picks right last week (Week 7) if it wasn’t me losing two by half a point. Like Vegas, we’ll have to settle with cashing in only 9/15 (60%) of my bets. Before you consider my Week 8 Scrumdidilyumptious ATS Picks here is my season resume for your review.
Resume:
WEEK 1: 10/16 (62.5%) WEEK 2: 8/15 + 1 Push (53.3%) WEEK 3: 8/16 (50%) WEEK 4: 9/16 (56%) WEEK 5: 7/14 (50%) WEEK 6: 10/14 (71%) WEEK 7: 9/15 (60%) SEASON RECORD (ATS): 61/106 + 1 Push (58%)
OK, now that we’re all caught up and you’re still willing to read my scumbag picks, lets fucking go NFL Week 8 (thank you for knowing that you still have a better shot with my picks below than LITERALLY flipping a quarter)!
THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL:
OK…I messed up royally and expected much more from the Vikings. Of course, Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua come back from the IR for the Rams like rock stars and blow the Vikings out of the water. It is what it is. Unlike the past two Thursdays, I didn’t take the chalk…but consciously picked the Vikings to do better even though they are the chalk…no bueno….one pick already in the gutter.
VIKINGS -3.5 @NewportBest_ https://t.co/rNRlpYkKm0 pic.twitter.com/hHCqyqv13o
— Abe Miranda (@gawdbrudder) October 25, 2024
| | @gawdbrudder
Dorothy’s Posts
Aaron’s Posts
Aaron’s Week 3 NFL Picks
It’s always difficult to pick games in Week 1, but I had a nice bounce-back performance in Week 2. Now it is time for the rubber match. Do I know ball or not? I am banking on some surprising teams continuing to surprise and I will be betting on those teams until the oddsmakers catch up or until they turn into pumpkins. Whichever happens first.
New England +6.5 at NY Jets
New England is the first of the surprise teams I am talking about. They have covered the spread twice in a row and have beaten Cincinnati outright. The Jets need this game badly, but they will have to grind it out because Aaron Rodgers has yet to throw for 200 yards in a game for them.
NY Giants +6.5 at Cleveland
Congrats to Cleveland for bouncing back from that Week 1 disaster and beating Jacksonville. The Browns should still have to score 20 points in a game before they are favored to beat anyone by a touchdown. Remember, my Giants were not abysmal last week. Malik Nabers is the real deal, and now we have a kicker who can help us cover this spread! I bet we can even win if we keep the opponent out of the end zone again (sigh).
Chicago at Indianapolis -1.5
The Colts laid an egg last week, but they should still be laying at least a field goal against the Bears. Chicago’s defense won the game against Tennessee and kept the game in Houston close, but I think it is asking a lot for this team to win outright on the road.
Houston at Minnesota +4.5
The oddsmakers still don’t believe in Minnesota! I do, especially after Houston failed to put away Chicago last week until the final minute.
Aaron’s Week 2 NFL Picks
Week 1 of the NFL is finally in the books and the veil of the unknown has been lifted, but now we have a new conundrum. Of what we saw unfold last week, what is real and what is a mirage? What is a fluke and what is a season-long trend? Hey, this is almost as hard to predict as Week 1. At least I won’t be quite as disappointed with the Giants when they play like garbage.
Buffalo at Miami -2.5
Both of these teams had a little more trouble with their first opponents than I thought they would. At least I had Arizona covering against Buffalo, but I thought it would be more of a backdoor cover than a legitimately close game. Miami, meanwhile, was a yard away from falling behind Jacksonville 24-7 before it was saved by a Travis Etienne goal-line fumble and an 80-yard touchdown strike from Tua Tagovailoa to Tyreek Hill. Now many fans are wondering why the Dolphins are favored in a night game when the South Florida humidity won’t have as much of an effect. I’ll tell you why. This team is much better than it looked in Week 1! Miami gets a big win tonight!
Las Vegas +8.5 at Baltimore
Neither of these teams were impressive last week, but the Ravens came an inch away from almost beating the Chiefs when Isaiah Likely caught a last-second touchdown only to be ruled out of bounds by replay. It’s easy to remember that late surge by Baltimore and a little less easy to remember that it looked like the inferior team for much of the evening. Inferior to the Chiefs is nothing to panic about, but I think this number is a little too big against what I expect to be a spunky Raiders squad. Antonio Pierce’s super conservative 4th down decisions were a detriment last week, but they might help cover in a game like this one.
LA Chargers -6.0 at Carolina
Jim Harbaugh took care of business for me against the aforementioned Raiders last week, so let’s keep rolling with him. I sure as heck am not backing the Panthers for the second week in a row, so if they bounce back and play respectable football, I will tip my cap.
Aaron’s Week 1 NFL Picks
Football is back! So what if it’s already been back for more than a week thanks to college football? It’s REALLY back tonight with the start of the NFL, tiny point spreads, and fantasy! I am a New York Giants fan, so I am predicting a season full of pain and suffering, but maybe some of you out there can get some joy out of the next five months. There’s always fantasy football, right? Nope, just more frustration and torture. But how about the ChabDog picks contest? Now, there is something that I have a chance to win.
Baltimore +2.5 at Kansas City
Everyone is going to love the Chiefs at less than a field goal. They just won the freaking Super Bowl and are at home in front of a raucous crowd. Plus, ChiefsAholic just got sentenced to federal prison, so you know the boys will be extra fired up to get the job done for him. HOWEVER, the Chiefs aren’t the elite offensive team they used to be. Last winter, they barely got by Baltimore in the Playoffs thanks to a great defensive effort. Patrick Mahomes is still looking for a go-to wide receiver and Travis Kelce might be over the hill. The defense is still good, but it’s tougher to repeat a great defensive season than a great offensive season. Give me the hungry Ravens with their new-look and more intimidating running game for the upset!
Green Bay +1.5 vs. Philadelphia
It is a sham that this game is even happening with the crime activity in Sao Paulo being so high that players are leaving their families behind. Player safety is a priority for the NFL until the owners can make a few extra bucks by putting a game in South America! Plus, it is a Peacock exclusive game, so even fans in America will feel like they are getting robbed. Anyway, this is an easy one for me. The Eagles were in full meltdown mode at the end of last season. Now, many fans are convinced that Saquon Barkley and a couple of new coordinators will solve all their issues. I’m not so sure. I’ll take the rising Packers after their exciting run in last season’s Playoffs.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta -2.5
This spread should be more than three points. Maybe not everyone realizes how much better the Atlanta offense is now that the team has a veteran quarterback under center. Kirk Cousins is coming back from a major Achilles tendon injury, but he won’t need to move around much when Bijan Robinson and Drake London are entering their primes. This offense is just as talented as the one that Cousins left behind in Minnesota. It will be tough for the Steelers and their new quarterback to keep pace, even with new offensive coordinator Arthur Smith’s familiarity with Atlanta.
Arizona +7.5 at Buffalo
Arizona’s offense is on the rise due to the selections of Marvin Harrison Jr. and Trey Benson in the NFL Draft. Plus, Trey McBride emerged as a star tight end last season, and Kyler Murray is expected to have his best season yet after missing half of 2023 due to recovery from knee surgery. Does that mean that the Cardinals will stun Buffalo in Week 1? There’s a chance with Josh Allen breaking in a new-look receiving group. I still think Buffalo prevails, but I wouldn’t pick the Bills in survivor. Taking the points is the move here.
The Big Ten Tournament is here with two teams trying to battle their way into the Big Dance
The Big Ten Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket is here, and as usual, it is glorious. What’s even better is that the beautiful pinwheel logo has returned to prominence after one-year hiatus that is among the worst decisions in college basketball tournament logo history. Penn State has almost zero chance of winning this thing, which is its only available path to the NCAA Tournament, but I can dream of a run to the semifinals thanks to a favorable draw that avoids Purdue and Illinois through the first three rounds.
The #B1GMBBT bracket is set. 🏀 pic.twitter.com/26VaSJB5cc
— Big Ten Network (@BigTenNetwork) March 11, 2024
Sure, Penn State has to play on the first evening of the tournament, which is a Peacock exclusive event, but if it had been seeded a little higher in slots 10 through seven, the matchup in the quarterfinals would feature Purdue or Illinois instead of the less intimidating Nebraska. I’m getting way ahead of myself, though, since just reaching the quarterfinals means defeating a red hot Indiana team that is desperate to play its way onto the NCAA bubble. Penn State might have a psychological edge from defeating the Hoosiers twice this season, but Indiana has looked like a different team on its current four-game winning streak. Plus, just to get to that date with Indiana, the Nittany Lions must get past Michigan tonight. The Wolverines have lost eight straight, but Penn State has a loss to Bucknell on its resume, so nothing is impossible.
Purdue established Big Ten supremacy last week with a thrilling victory at Illinois before wrapping up its regular season with a home win over Wisconsin. The slumping Badgers have not been a great team since February started, as they finished Big Ten play 3-8 after starting 8-1, but I’ll give them credit for the way they battled the Boilers despite having another rough game from beyond the arc. Wisconsin shot 5-for-24 from three-point range, but John Blackwell and Tyler Wahl both went 7-for-10 from the field to keep Purdue from running away with the game.
Purdue wins the regular season title and Indiana is still alive for the big dance
I said on the Chabdog Sports podcast last Sunday that Purdue would be listed as champion when I fill out my NCAA Tournament bracket in a couple of weeks. On Tuesday night, the Boilers showed why I think they will complete their redemption arc when they beat Illinois 77-71 in Champaign. The combination of opponent and venue made the game Purdue’s stiffest test since December, and it passed thanks to a clutch three-point shot in the final seconds by Braden Smith. The shot came at the tail end of a broken possession by the Boilers that was saved once by Zach Edey, who slapped the ball away from Illinois and into the hands of his teammates Fletcher Loyer following Lance Jones’ wild layup attempt. Smith saved it again when he casually pulled up from five feet beyond the arc and drained his jumper over Terrence Shannon Jr.
If Smith had not clutched up, Illinois would likely the ball back down by three points with 18 seconds to play. Instead, the lead was six, and the game was over when Shannon’s answer bounced off the rim. Smith’s effort was just one of several big three-point shots for Purdue in the second half. Edey dominated the first 20 minutes with 18 points, but Illinois held him to 10 after the break, forcing the Boilers to look to their role players for help. They answered, starting with Mason Gillis’ three-point shot in transition that gave Purdue its first lead at 56-54 with 10 minutes to play. Gillis drained another one to put the Boilers ahead 64-58 with seven minutes left, but Illinois tied the game with a dunk by Coleman Hawkins two straight driving layups by Marcus Domask, the last of which he floated in over Edey.
Braden Smith! Onions! He bailed out Matt Painter, who for some reason did not call a time out during this broken possession. Purdue’s biggest win of the year. pic.twitter.com/bivOs9D3uN
— Aaron Yorke (@AaronPYorke) March 6, 2024
Illinois would retake the lead on a pair of free throws by Shannon, but Loyer put Purdue back up by three with a three-point shot and a runner in the paint on consecutive possessions. Lance Jones hit a monster triple from the corner to expand the advantage to six with less than a minute on the clock, but Domask struck back with another layup plus the foul to set the stage for Smith’s heroics.
With Edey doing his thing like he always does, Purdue is not going to be beat when it shoots the three as accurately as it did against Illinois (9-for-16). Matt Painter’s team doesn’t excel at creating its own shot from the perimeter, but it showed that it can break down the opposing defense and find the open man with 20 assists on 29 field goals during the win. Illinois did an excellent job slowing down Edey in the second half, but it could not keep up with Purdue’s three-point shooting. Illinois was just 4-for-16 beyond the arc, and most of that came from Quincy Guerrier catching fire in the first half. Domask was the one guy who came up huge down the stretch, and Shannon needs to step up if the Illini are going to win a rematch with Purdue in the Big Ten Tournament or NCAA Tournament. He went 3-for-13 from the field with just 11 points.